Yes, or Yes, but?

Yesterday, I was able to relax. Not that I have never relaxed before, but I'm not sure when the last time I've experienced a day beginning in stress, frustration, and bitterness that has transpired into one of purity, contentment, and rest.

I am blessed to have companions (and you know who your are) who take me on Sunday afternoon walks. The sun shines, and conversation begins about the deepest of theology, worries, coming clean, and confusion. Yesterday afternoon was all of these things, plus a beautiful opportunity to bask in prayer under a cloudless sky. There under that blue freedom, I prayed for contentment and for direction, as I knew God was capable of that which I was holding on to. I also confessed that I too was capable, and I was ready to allow myself to step forward in obedience instead of protest.

Along with these experiences of the afternoon, God's teaching and blessing continued with the day. After a little textbook reading (about LABOR in childhood growth and development!) I curled up under the covers and read some of "God's Smuggler" the true story of Brother Andrew. Some of you may know that I love this book to death and that it's a "go to" thirst quencher to the dry soul, but others will hopefully be picking up a copy for themselves and experiencing the joys and challenges that come with reading this, and then waking up the next day examining your own life. Okay, that was a run-on sentence; on to the rest of my story.

So, anyway, I was reading the portion of the Book when Andy begins working at the chocolate factory, and through a series of miraculous events, he feels the call toward missions. Along with this call, however, he also feels a sort of deflation because he didn't believe that he's in any state to be a missionary (Because of an injury he received during the war, he cannot walk without a limp and considerable pain). So, because Andy felt the call was so strong from God saying "GO" and himself saying "how can I be a missionary if I can't even walk a city block without pain?," Andy decided to do what's called "praying through." This means that he went to someplace he could be alone, and prayed out loud, casually talking with God, for as long as it took until he got an answer. On page 55, Andy had prayed from sunday morning well into the evening, and still had not received an answer about God's plans for his becoming a missionary. He continued to pray saying, "What is it, Lord? What am I holding back? What am I using as an excuse for not serving You in whatever You want for me to do?" And then, right in that moment, Andy had his answer. He realized that his "yes" to God had always been a "yes, but." With his next breath, Andy did say yes, in a brand new way and without qualification. And then comes my favorite quote of the entire book:

Whenever, wherever, however You want me, I'll go. And I'll begin this very minute. Lord, as I stand up from this place, and as I take my first step forward, will You consider that this is a step toward complete obedience to you? I'll call it the Step of Yes"
(p. 55 God's Smuggler).

Wow, can I empathize! Not that I have a PHYSICAL injury holding me back from what God calls me to do, but I have quite a strong system of excuses that bombard every new endeavor I make in trying to honor God. One of my personal favorites is, "Yes God, but I'm not ready yet; please prepare me to do that LATER." So, as I get up from this computer, I'm going to take yet another "first step" in my journey of yes to God.

Do you have a "go to" excuse for the times you feel God calling you to the very things you feel least qualified to do? If so, feel free to comment and share them; and definitely share them with a friend and God tonight as you work out what's keeping you from trusting yourself and trusting God. I know that's what I'll be doing...