We All Need Somebody
I've been thinking a lot lately about what the "worst" time in my life was (or is). What's been my biggest challenge thus far and how have I overcome it? Have I experienced the "worst" I'll ever experience, or should I guard myself against another "worst" to top the last? Am I currently in the worst season of my life? If the present is the worst, do I count myself blessed or cursed?
In many ways, I don't know how to compare my life now to anything I've experienced so far. The combination of stress, demands, bills, politics, discontentment, fear, and listlessness is one I can't quite shake. I've come back to the adolescent question of identity: who am I and why does my life matter? It's an existential conundrum cause the answer is seemingly simple yet infinitely outside of my grasp pragmatically. What I mean is, I know who I am and why I matter. I know what my purpose is, and I have evidence that I matter to others. Yet, I'm not sure how to practically life out my identity and experience my mattering in my current context.
I can't decide whether I'm selfish or just in a particularly needy time in my life. It's true, I need a lot of things from a lot of people, some overtly noticeable and others under the surface. If people talk to me for a few minutes, they'll gather that I'm busy, tired, and poor (yet not underprivileged). In this sense, I have a lot of practical needs I'm not able to meet by myself. I need shelter. I need food. I need rest. I have to rely on others to meet this needs most of the time, which I'm not familiar with and am quite uncomfortable about. I'm undoubtedly an independent and self-sufficient person. I don't want help unless I've exhausted all my other options because I want people so see me as intelligent, creative, resourceful, and capable. So, that's the first part of my question. The second part are the needs I have under the surface, that aren't readily apparent. Well, I say they aren't apparent but maybe I mean they aren't easily met. These are the needs that fall under company and companionship and family and support. For most of my life I've been the giver, not the taker, in relationships. I give time, I give a listening ear (and often a ready mouth, which has proven both helpful and unhelpful depending on the context!), I give love, I give kindness, I give initiative, I give commitment. In the past, I've accepted that other people don't reciprocate as strongly as I'd like them to. Most people are busy, have other priorities, have enough friends already, etc. I get it. In the past, my investment in the relationship has always compensated for this factor. But now I'm the busy one, I'm the one with too many priorities, I'm the one backing out of plans and double booking appointments. I'm not able to initiate as much in trying to form and keep friendships. I just can't juggle it all. I was hoping in this season that someone would come around who was like I was: able to invest fully in the relationship, understanding I'm in a busy season of life. Sadly, I've never felt so relationally deprived as I feel right now.
I don't say that to make anyone feel badly, especially if you count yourself as a friend of mine! I completely treasure the friendships I have, but I can't nurture them as I used to. I don't make as many phone calls, skype dates, or messages as I used to. For that, I express my apologies and want you to know I don't care about you any less even though I can't invest as fully in growing the friendship. With that said, if you count yourself a friend of mine, it would be really meaningful to me if you reached out and texted me. It would make me feel like I'm not forgotten and that you care about our friendship beyond simply labeling it as existent. I know you all are busy as well (I don't pretend to be the busiest person on the planet) but I'd really appreciate hearing from you!
So, back to my original thought. I don't know whether I'm simply being selfish, or if I'm just in a season of need right now. I want to say it's a combination of both, but I'm not sure how exactly to parse it out. I've been praying a lot that God would give me new ways to express the love I have for people, since time and money compromise the things I used to do. I've also been praying that God would help me have a fuller sense of His benevolence and sovereignty. I question a lot whether my coming to Greensboro was the "right" decision because it's been one of the most dissonant locations I've ever lived. I ask myself whether I belong here, and the answer that comes up in my mind is "no." Yet, God made it very clear when I was in Houston that this was the place I was supposed to go and this was the school I was supposed to go to. It's hard for me to reconcile how clear God was then with how miserable I am now.
I don't know what the next step is for me. Certainly an attitude adjustment, but perhaps that will come with the break between semesters! On the bright side, After this week I'll be 1/4 of the way through my graduate program! Until then, peace.
In many ways, I don't know how to compare my life now to anything I've experienced so far. The combination of stress, demands, bills, politics, discontentment, fear, and listlessness is one I can't quite shake. I've come back to the adolescent question of identity: who am I and why does my life matter? It's an existential conundrum cause the answer is seemingly simple yet infinitely outside of my grasp pragmatically. What I mean is, I know who I am and why I matter. I know what my purpose is, and I have evidence that I matter to others. Yet, I'm not sure how to practically life out my identity and experience my mattering in my current context.
I can't decide whether I'm selfish or just in a particularly needy time in my life. It's true, I need a lot of things from a lot of people, some overtly noticeable and others under the surface. If people talk to me for a few minutes, they'll gather that I'm busy, tired, and poor (yet not underprivileged). In this sense, I have a lot of practical needs I'm not able to meet by myself. I need shelter. I need food. I need rest. I have to rely on others to meet this needs most of the time, which I'm not familiar with and am quite uncomfortable about. I'm undoubtedly an independent and self-sufficient person. I don't want help unless I've exhausted all my other options because I want people so see me as intelligent, creative, resourceful, and capable. So, that's the first part of my question. The second part are the needs I have under the surface, that aren't readily apparent. Well, I say they aren't apparent but maybe I mean they aren't easily met. These are the needs that fall under company and companionship and family and support. For most of my life I've been the giver, not the taker, in relationships. I give time, I give a listening ear (and often a ready mouth, which has proven both helpful and unhelpful depending on the context!), I give love, I give kindness, I give initiative, I give commitment. In the past, I've accepted that other people don't reciprocate as strongly as I'd like them to. Most people are busy, have other priorities, have enough friends already, etc. I get it. In the past, my investment in the relationship has always compensated for this factor. But now I'm the busy one, I'm the one with too many priorities, I'm the one backing out of plans and double booking appointments. I'm not able to initiate as much in trying to form and keep friendships. I just can't juggle it all. I was hoping in this season that someone would come around who was like I was: able to invest fully in the relationship, understanding I'm in a busy season of life. Sadly, I've never felt so relationally deprived as I feel right now.
I don't say that to make anyone feel badly, especially if you count yourself as a friend of mine! I completely treasure the friendships I have, but I can't nurture them as I used to. I don't make as many phone calls, skype dates, or messages as I used to. For that, I express my apologies and want you to know I don't care about you any less even though I can't invest as fully in growing the friendship. With that said, if you count yourself a friend of mine, it would be really meaningful to me if you reached out and texted me. It would make me feel like I'm not forgotten and that you care about our friendship beyond simply labeling it as existent. I know you all are busy as well (I don't pretend to be the busiest person on the planet) but I'd really appreciate hearing from you!
So, back to my original thought. I don't know whether I'm simply being selfish, or if I'm just in a season of need right now. I want to say it's a combination of both, but I'm not sure how exactly to parse it out. I've been praying a lot that God would give me new ways to express the love I have for people, since time and money compromise the things I used to do. I've also been praying that God would help me have a fuller sense of His benevolence and sovereignty. I question a lot whether my coming to Greensboro was the "right" decision because it's been one of the most dissonant locations I've ever lived. I ask myself whether I belong here, and the answer that comes up in my mind is "no." Yet, God made it very clear when I was in Houston that this was the place I was supposed to go and this was the school I was supposed to go to. It's hard for me to reconcile how clear God was then with how miserable I am now.
I don't know what the next step is for me. Certainly an attitude adjustment, but perhaps that will come with the break between semesters! On the bright side, After this week I'll be 1/4 of the way through my graduate program! Until then, peace.
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