Burnt Out
I don't feel like being creative today, hence the title of this post. I don't feel like sleeping, hence the timing of this post. I don't feel like writing, hence the flavor of this post. I don't feel like doing anything... so now what?
I'm not sure if I'm truly "burnt out" and finally experiencing the impending exhaustion of college + crises of faith + relational drama + anxiety about the future + CHANGE, or maybe I'm just moody (highly unlikely, if I'm the girl I've been in years past, but ya never know).
Perhaps (light bulb) I'm sick: my throat is sore, which means I'm not sleeping well, which means I'm not waking up well, which means I'm not going about my day well, which means I'm ready for bed but not sleeping well... repeat BUT THIS TIME WITH MEDICINE THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO HELP AT ALL.... grr.... and that's another thing: medicine. Does nobody sell sore throat medicine anymore? All I see is "nasal decongestant" and allergy stuff, with the occasional cough drop claiming it has power of the sore throat... Well, let me tell you cough drops give you their purpose in their name (drop the cough) and that purpose does NOT include sore throats....
I don't often get angry, most of the time it's a frustration kindling beneath the surface of a stoic exterior. However, if I was ever in a position to get angry, I think it would be now. I guess that's a warning to steer clear of me for a bit. At least, let me get some sleep first!
I'm glad that I have the next two days off shift from VOH.... God knows I need it (though I'll probably spend most of it sick and miserable and wishing God would trade my sickness in for busyness/stress). Then, the inevitably annoying phrase pops into my head, "the grass is always greener on the other side." I guess I should be thankful I have grass! At the same time, I find it perturbing that people pray and thank God for things like "sunny days" and "cars" and "fast food." It rubs me the wrong way when people say "God is good.... see, He gave me a good parking space!" Seriously? You're God is THAT GOOD huh? (sarcasm, in case you're not following). Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for comfort and convenience as much as any fat man is for a Ben & Jerry's BOGO sale at Walmart; but recently it tastes bitter in my mouth to hashtag "God is good" on the trivial happenings of my life. Meaning: I think God deserves more credit than I give Him! Speaking to a homeless person, I don't think my argument of "God is good, the other day I was first in line at the Doctor's office" is going to make much of a dent in their philosophy of God, religion, Christianity, or the like. Our American, sugar coated, parking lot, vending machine God doesn't stand a chance against the true and horrid fallenness of this world. Surely, surely God is bigger than coincidence (yes, it is a miracle that He is small enough for it!). I'm tired of seeing a small God. I want to experience God, so when I pray at night I'm not struggling for things to be grateful for. I want to experience God's goodness so strong it overcomes pain deeper than "they didn't play the song I requested on the radio" or "I went all the way to the store and they were out of name brand peanut butter so I had to buy generic." I want to experience God's power and sovereignty in granting blessings more important than "nourishment to our bodies" and more specific than "this day."
Yikes... I am frustrated with who people say God is. I'm frustrated with what they say He's telling them to do (though they validate it with the ultimate Christianese term "calling").
Ok... taking a deep breath.... I'm still gonna hit the "publish" button, though.... ENJOY. :)
I'm not sure if I'm truly "burnt out" and finally experiencing the impending exhaustion of college + crises of faith + relational drama + anxiety about the future + CHANGE, or maybe I'm just moody (highly unlikely, if I'm the girl I've been in years past, but ya never know).
Perhaps (light bulb) I'm sick: my throat is sore, which means I'm not sleeping well, which means I'm not waking up well, which means I'm not going about my day well, which means I'm ready for bed but not sleeping well... repeat BUT THIS TIME WITH MEDICINE THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO HELP AT ALL.... grr.... and that's another thing: medicine. Does nobody sell sore throat medicine anymore? All I see is "nasal decongestant" and allergy stuff, with the occasional cough drop claiming it has power of the sore throat... Well, let me tell you cough drops give you their purpose in their name (drop the cough) and that purpose does NOT include sore throats....
I don't often get angry, most of the time it's a frustration kindling beneath the surface of a stoic exterior. However, if I was ever in a position to get angry, I think it would be now. I guess that's a warning to steer clear of me for a bit. At least, let me get some sleep first!
I'm glad that I have the next two days off shift from VOH.... God knows I need it (though I'll probably spend most of it sick and miserable and wishing God would trade my sickness in for busyness/stress). Then, the inevitably annoying phrase pops into my head, "the grass is always greener on the other side." I guess I should be thankful I have grass! At the same time, I find it perturbing that people pray and thank God for things like "sunny days" and "cars" and "fast food." It rubs me the wrong way when people say "God is good.... see, He gave me a good parking space!" Seriously? You're God is THAT GOOD huh? (sarcasm, in case you're not following). Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for comfort and convenience as much as any fat man is for a Ben & Jerry's BOGO sale at Walmart; but recently it tastes bitter in my mouth to hashtag "God is good" on the trivial happenings of my life. Meaning: I think God deserves more credit than I give Him! Speaking to a homeless person, I don't think my argument of "God is good, the other day I was first in line at the Doctor's office" is going to make much of a dent in their philosophy of God, religion, Christianity, or the like. Our American, sugar coated, parking lot, vending machine God doesn't stand a chance against the true and horrid fallenness of this world. Surely, surely God is bigger than coincidence (yes, it is a miracle that He is small enough for it!). I'm tired of seeing a small God. I want to experience God, so when I pray at night I'm not struggling for things to be grateful for. I want to experience God's goodness so strong it overcomes pain deeper than "they didn't play the song I requested on the radio" or "I went all the way to the store and they were out of name brand peanut butter so I had to buy generic." I want to experience God's power and sovereignty in granting blessings more important than "nourishment to our bodies" and more specific than "this day."
Yikes... I am frustrated with who people say God is. I'm frustrated with what they say He's telling them to do (though they validate it with the ultimate Christianese term "calling").
Ok... taking a deep breath.... I'm still gonna hit the "publish" button, though.... ENJOY. :)
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