When I Can't

I am a train. I have come across a hill. Do I really think I can?

I am a bird. I have lived in this shell for far too long. Am I really ready to hatch?

I am a giraffe. I have just seen the world for the first time. Am I really ready to stand?

I am a college student. I have just finished my last week of the semester. Am I really ready for my finals?

I am a human being. I have come to the end of my rope. Do I really think He can?

God is no doubt big and capable and strong, but I'm realizing lately how small and inadequate and weak I can be. I've been realizing, also, that these qualities cannot be applied to me the way I've let them be. I am neither small, inadequate, or weak because of my mistakes or my failures or my shortcomings. Rather, just as I see my worth through Christ, I must see my worthlessness through His eyes too. In this, I see sin as the root, as the true source, of my worthlessness. I cannot allow anything else to take sin's place as the root of my weakness; that would be called insecurity. I can't allow anything to hide sin's existence; that would be called self-denial. And I certainly can't let just anything heal sin; that would be called idolatry.

God chisels away at my heart, and I don't understand (nor enjoy) the feeling of change or the pain of chastening, but God is concerned with my faith. My faith is so important to Him, that He's willing to subject me to difficult experiences in order that I might believe Him. This has been really hard to deal with, because a lot of the things God's choosing to work on are things I've chosen in the past to work on myself: I feel a sense of entitlement to control them. I've worked very hard on these things, pruning and painting and building so it looks just right on the outside. God reminds me that He looks at the inside. He knows I've hidden a mess within a mansion.

Last night in particular, I was confronted by utter weariness. It was open dorm, I was shut off in my room with biology notes (seriously, if anyone could be in a relationship with inanimate objects, I'd be in an abusive relationship with grades!). In an effort to boost my moral (and motivation) I turned on my "Passion" playlist, which houses all of the songs from the 2010 and 2011 Passion Worship events. Chris Tomlin's rendition of the old hymn "Lord, I need you" began to softly play.

"When I cannot stand, I'll fall on You. Jesus you're my hope and stay."

Hmmm. Thanks, God. I never get tired of Your encouragement.

Though I may, at times, be disappointed with God; I'll never have to face disappointment without God.