The Me that is Left

“Hell begins with a grumbling mood, always complaining, always blaming others... but you are still distinct from it. You may even criticize it in yourself and wish you could stop it, but there may come a day when you can no longer. Then, there will be no you left to criticize the mood or even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself, going on forever like a machine. It is not a question of God "sending us" to hell. In each of us there is something growing, which will BE hell unless it is nipped in the bud. ”

― C.S. Lewis

 

This quote has been a companion of mine for about a month now. It haunts me, it inspires me, it becomes me, it destroys me. I'm in the thick of my abstinence assignment now, where the end of the semester is in sight but ruthlessly out of reach. I have a choice to make: is giving up grumbling a class assignment, or a lifestyle change? It pains me to realize I've been seeing it as an assignment. I know this because when I fail, what gets me back  on track is not forgiveness, but cheer-leading. I don't think "It's ok, Rachel, it takes time to make a genuine change in your attitude and heart." Instead, I find myself thinking, "You can do this, Rachel, you only have a month left." Spoiler alert, the "you're almost done" attitude is the lesser motivator. 

 

Plus, it's not what I really want. In my heart of hearts, I want to find the balance of feeling my feelings, trusting my instincts, and optimism. I want this. I need this. I'm not the person to shirk my negative thoughts for positive ones. I have to acknowledge the negative ones before my brain gives me permission to let the positive ones in. It's like taking a guy home to meet my parents before I say yes to his proposal: it makes sense in my mind as "just the way you do things." It's like tradition. I don't really want it to stay that way. I don't want my negative feelings to determine whether I get to be happy or not. What I want is for my natural bent to be toward shalom: completion. Toward some semblance of satisfaction and happiness. Only after setting this foundation, do I want grumbling to get an invitation to dinner, and I want him to leave at the end of the night. He is supposed to be a guest in my house, not the owner of the building. I want this mindset to be a lifestyle, not just an assignment. 

 

At the same time, this assignment and project has taught me what I'd known but hadn't experienced for awhile: I really am a natural pessimist! It comes so easily to find the wrong, to point out the flaws, to find the holes. While this has pushed me in many ways to improve myself and my circumstances, there comes a point at which I cannot assume I know best, nor can I assume responsibility for fixing everything about myself and the world. In these moments, my capacity toward growth became poisoned with grumbling and complaining. I'm still discovering the blind spots left in my life from thinking I know best, and I'm ignoring some blind spots because I still think I know best! It's a funny thing to try and be humble while holding onto pride. Spoiler alert, it doesn't work very well. 

 

While this post lacks inspiration, vibrancy, and color; it contains heart. My heart: the broken, open, eager mess that it is. This is the me that is left, but it's still me. It's enough.